Transactional Analysis

The Secret To Successful Face To Facer Communications

(Draft -- You are looking at an early draft of this topic. It has not yet been proofed, and it will now doubt be massaged many times over for context, grammar, and clarity)

t is way beyond the scope of this Secret To Success to teach how to effectively use Transactional Analysis – but it is important that you see an overview of it. One of the best Secrets To Success is to be able to control situations – and that includes face-to-face conversations with others.

Transactional Analysis is part of the psychological studies, which teaches us that when a person speaks – they’re in one of three ego states. The three ego states are: Parent, Child, and Adult.

A Parent Ego state has a person speaking in a bossy and overly condescending emotion – giving the sense that they feel that only they are correct in the situation, and offering no compromise. Their voice will be loud and short commands are barked out in the conversation. Imagine a parent scolding a young child, a Marine Drill Instructor speaking to a recruit, or a trainer giving a dog the command to sit. It is a generally a one-way conversation.

The child ego state can be either an overly excited state, like a child who received their first new bike – or moody state, like a child who is defensive because of bad grades, and is giving their parent the excuse of the teacher not liking him. It too is a voice filled with emotion and pretty one-sided, accepting no compromise.

The adult ego state is a totally unemotional ego state where only facts are being exchanged. Visualize of a college professor giving a dry lecture – and you will know what an Adult ego state is.

TA teaches us that negotiations can only successfully occur when both parties are in the Adult ego state. Again visualize a Sunday morning news show where there is both a Democrat and Republican Senator discussing a topic that they’ve not agreed on for some time. You will generally note that one or both are in the bossy Parent ego state, or one or both is in the whinny Child ego state. Even if one of the senators appear to be reasonable and factual – if the other is not, then you will walk away from the segment shaking your head and saying that those two will never get that issue resolved.

However, there usually is a way for one person to get the other person out of the Parent or Child ego state – if that person is reasonable (it is virtually impossible to deal with a totally unreasonable person). The solution is for the person in the Adult ego state to talk the person in the Parent or Child ego out of that state, and into the Adult ego state. The theory of TA says that a person in the Adult ego state can often move the other party currently in a Parent or Child ego state – into the Adult ego state is they continues to stay in their Adult ego state. When both have arrived at the Adult ego state, business and negotiations can be conducted.

Here’s an example:
Say you are a salesman selling Health Insurance to businesses. In your prospecting, you have contacted a small business owner who has become dissatisfied with his current health insurance company – and has granted you an appointment to pitch your company. However, he has made it very clear, many times during the conversation that he is a busy man and that his day is tightly scheduled. He says he will give you 30 minutes between 2:00 and 2:30 – and for you to not be late and that you will need to be finished when the half hour is up.

He has impressed upon you that you had better be on time and not waste his – so you leave your office in enough time to be at his office 15 minutes early. However, on the freeway heading to his office a multi-car accident has occurred just 500 feet in front of you – and the entire freeway has come to a complete stop. You are blocked in. Police come, ambulances come, wreckers come – even Life-Flight has landed on the highway to take the seriously injured to the hospital. Forty-Five minutes has gone by and your car hasn’t moved an inch and you are in a dead zone for your cell phone. You are in a panic now – because despite all you have done to be there early – you will now be there 30 minutes late.

At the same time, the business owner who had rushed someone out of his office at 1:59 for your appointment, and hasn’t started anything new because he is suppose to be dealing with you, is steaming. He is now insulted that you either blew him off or just don’t see the courtesy of being at your appointments on time – and now his blood pressure is cooking at about 200 over 200.

You screech into his parking lot after stressing yourself out for the 45 minutes, run into his company – and now you are a little out of breath and sweating like a basketball player that just played 46 minutes. It is 2:35 and the receptionist calls the owner to tell him that his 2:00 appointment has arrived. Ordinarily he would tell the receptionist to tell you to “Go to Hell” – but he is so pissed at you that he wants to tell you himself.

So the reception office door flies open and this 6’6” 300 pound man in a blue pinstripe suit and cigar bellows out at you, “I told you I was a busy man and gave you the courtesy of a 30 minute presentation – if you were here on time. Now you have the audacity of coming here 35 minutes late and expecting that I will meet with you?” He is obvious in the Parent ego state – what do you do?

The average person would lose control and slip into the Child ego state. He would start to whine excuses blaming the entire world for his problems – and maybe get so defensive that he further insults the business owner into throwing him out of his office.

However, the person who practices TA would most likely say in a calm and unemotional tone of voice “Mr. Smith, you did impress upon me that you were a very busy man, that you would not tolerate anyone late, and that I had better have my presentation finished within the 30 minutes allotted to me. So I spent all last night pruning what is normally a 45 minute presentation down to 30 minutes – by taking the least important talking points and fluff out. I then left 15 minutes earlier than required to get here – as I would have much rather sat in your reception area for 15 minutes than been 30 seconds late. However, when you turn on the evening news tonight and see the horrible multi-car accident on I-10 that occurred at 1:15 this afternoon – please look for the gray Dodge – as that will have been me blocked in for 45 minutes. I apologize for arriving at this time and understand if you cannot see me now – but I appeal to your sense of justice and ask that you don’t punish me for circumstances I could not control. I tried harder than most to be prompt and prepared. I ask that if you can’t see me now that you will grant me a second chance to show why you won’t regret doing business with my company and me.”

Most reasonable people in the Parent ego state that the businessman was in, when confronted with the unemotional and factual statement that the salesman just made – would move from the ego Parent ego state to the Adult ego state. Most reasonable businessmen would give the salesman another appointment if they couldn’t see them then. More often than not – the salesman might have a better advantage, because the businessman might have realized that he initially acted like an ass – and then over compensate to balance how he is thought of.

This is my very condensed version of Transactional Analysis. It is actually a little more complicated than that, and more on the topic should be required reading for anyone wanting success. Knowledge and practice of TA will help on every person to person communication. Understanding and proper use can save careers, friends, and marriages.

The bottom line is that when you are confronted with someone in a Parent or Child ego state, and you need for them to move to the Adult ego state – you should remain in the Adult ego state, and to not get baited out of it. Sooner or later, the other person when confronted with facts instead of emotions will be finished with stamping their feet on the ground and come around. Often they will become a little embarrassed and become more flexible than usual to make up for acting like an ass.

No one is perfect at this – but understanding how TA works and trying to be conscious of the principles will help you immensely.