You’re A Redneck When…

You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don’t want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.

You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.

You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your father executes the “Pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.

Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You’ve asked the preacher, “How’s it hangin’?”

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

You’ve spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.

You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.

When someone asks to see your I.D. you show your belt buckle.

Your Junior and Senior Proms had a day care.

Your mother doesn’t remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the Cops to kiss her a**.

You’ve used lard in bed.

The primary color of your car is “Bondo.”

The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniel makes your list of “most admired Americans.”

Your wife’s hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.

You see no need for a rest stop because there’s an empty milk jug in the car.

Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side front window of your car.

You barbecue Spam.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

Red Man Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you were at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

You prominently display the souvenir you got at Graceland.

When your front porch collapses, three or more dogs die.

You’ve signed a petition to change the national anthem to “Nothing Could Be Finer Than to Be in Carolina.”

You call the boss “Dude.”

You think “Volvo” is part of a woman’s anatomy.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

You’ve been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack.

You need an estimate from the barber before you get a haircut.

After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

You pass out Styrofoam cups at your wedding reception for people to spit in.

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. And I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, driven 7.5 feet into the ground.  The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower.  The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.  I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower  around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.  Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body.  My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain..  Every time that Briggs &  Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.  I was literally at one with the engine.  It seems as though the fence charger and the POS  lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time.  I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.  It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.   It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.  My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go.  I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric  fences… but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals  from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.  At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. ‘Damn!,’ I think, as I  remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough.  It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.  Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think  ‘Oh God, please die… pleeeeze die’.   But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.   God did not take me that day… he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created… I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire…. I woke up laying on the ground hours later.  The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.  It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to  it.   I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.   Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sonofabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.  I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT,IF  HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN,  25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

A young Texas teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots.

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy looked up and said, ‘Teacher,
They’re on the wrong feet.’ She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.’

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,

‘Why didn’t you say so?’, like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him
pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

‘They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ‘em.’

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage
she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your Mittens?’

He said, ‘I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.’

She will be eligible for parole in three years

Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful:

1) Don’t expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It’s a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they’ll kick your ass.

2) Don’t laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it’s called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it’s Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it’s still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie).  We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don’t refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we’ll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Ann Richards) . However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin’.

6) Don’t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you’d be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we’ll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and how high the humidity is, so shutup about it. If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we’ll kick your ass.

Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you’re a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.

9) Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home-before we kick it.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don’t want to sound like you. We don’t care if you don’t understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that’s all that matters. Now, go away, or we’ll kick your ass.

11) Don’t complain that certain areas of this state smells of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you’d soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we’ll kick your ass all the way
back to Pittsburgh, PA.

12) Don’t ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma’am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they’ll kick your ass-just like they did ours.

13) Don’t think we’re quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we’ll kick your ass.

14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box-minus your ass.

15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.

HICKBONICS The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.

Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”

Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capital is Lanner.

Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.

Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.

Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.

Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.

Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”

Usage: “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.

Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.

Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.

Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tarin my pickup truck.”

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.

Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.

Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.

Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.

Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed…must be from some farn country.”

DID - (adjective) - Not alive.

Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.

Usage: “He cain’t breathe…give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.

Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE - a contraction.

Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah…haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED - (verb) - past tense of “to see”.

VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun.

Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.

Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”

1. It doesn’t bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

2. You use the phrase “fixin’ to” almost daily.

3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

4. You’ve ever been excused from school because “the cows got out.”

5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite.

6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn’t mean farm animals.

7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother’s birthday.

9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.

13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.

14. Your “place at the lake” has wheels under it.

15. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4×4 is.

17 . You know that everything goes better with Ranch.

18 . You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

19. You know that “y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.

20 . You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:
“You wanna Coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”

GUEST APPLICATION FOR THE

JERRY SPRINGER SHOW

Personal Information:

Name___________ Nickname______________ CB Handle___________

Yore Mama Name______________ Yore Daddy Name(if known)________________ 

Spouse’s Name_________________

Relationship to spouse:

___Sister ____Brother ____Mother ____Father ___Pet ___Aunt ___Uncle

Occupation:

___Unemployed Mechanic ___Gun Show Dealer ___Skinhead

Number of Children in Household___ Number that are yours___

Circle Highest Level of Education: 1 2 3 4

How Far is Your Mobile Home From a Paved Road: ___1mi. __5 mi. ___?

Number of Times You Have Survived a Tornado: ___

Number of Vehicles Owned___

Number on Cement Blocks___

Truck Equipment: ___Gun Rack ___Pit Bull ___Spit Cup ___Fuzzy Dice ___Rebel Flag ___Naked Woman Mud flaps ___NRA sticker

Weapons Owned: ___Tire Iron ___Pick Handle ___Beer Bottle ___Shotgun

Number of Dogs Owned: ___

Number of Homemade Tattoos: ___

Which of the Following Appliances are in your Front Yard:

___Friggerator  ___Heatin Stove   ___Warsher   ___TV   ___Freezer

How Many of the Above Appliances Work: ___

Fav-o-rite Recreation:

___Drinkin ___Cow Chip Throwin ___Possum Huntin ___Crawdad Huntin ___Spittin Backy ___Scratchin  ___Watchin Wrasslin

If You Can Read, Which Magazines Do You Prefer:

___Soap Opera Digest ___Rifle and Shotgun ___NWA ___TV Guide ___National Enquirer ___True Confessions

Which Stinks Worse:

___Hogpen ___Outhouse ___Spouse

Can You Spell Your Last Name:

___Yup ___Nope

Can You Remember Your Last Name:

___Yup ___Nope

Have You Ever Stayed Sober for More Than One Day: ___Yup ___Nope

Do You Know Any Words with More Than 4 Letters:

___Yup ___Nope

Which is Correct?:

___”I Seed Him” or ___”I Seen Him”

How Many Cartons of Cigarettes Do You Smoke a day? ___

Math Test: How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?

___Six Pack ___Ciggies ___Shotgun Shells ___Backy ___Prostitute

Number of Times You’ve Seen:

___a UFO ___ Elvis ___Elvis in a UFO

Health Questionnaire: Which of the Following Do You Have?

___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs ___Runny Nose ___Boils

Can You Remember the Last Time You Bathed? ___Yup ___Nope

Color of Teeth: ___Yellow ___Brown ___Black ___N/A

I hereby swear this is the trooth and sign my “X” on

______________200__

Dearest Redneck Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here.

It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.

The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time.

Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.”  I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are pigs, cattle & oil wells. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-20 & I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north & south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re not impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.

8. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to everyone, regardless of age.

10. No, there’s no “vegetarian special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s salad & pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, & breads. We use 3 spices … salt, pepper, & Pace’s Picante Sauce.

12. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” to my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck & have long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers & the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards, it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education & a love for God & country, & they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines & Air Force than any other state, so “Don’t Mess With Texas.” If you do, it will get your butt whipped.

17. Also, remember what our great Governor Sam Houston once said, “Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can’t make it without Texas.”

Texans are hard working people who believe in the Christian work ethic. We’re sadden with the direction the United States has taken with Chairman Obama, Prince Harry Reid, and Pelosi Galore. This country was founded on good old hard work and Capitalism — and not “Spreading the Wealth”.  As such, here is our solution we’d like Liberals to consider:

#1: Let Chairman Obama become President of the United States (all 49 states).

#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

NASA is in Houston, Texas (we will control the space industry).

We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

Defense Industry (we have over 65% of it). The term “Don’t mess with Texas,” will take on a whole new meaning.

Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it’s too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm….

Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

We have enough colleges to keep us going: U.T., Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women’s University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway.

We have a ready supply of workers (just open the border when we need some more ).

We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don’t have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.

We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce and everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good.

Don’t need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn’t a thing out there that we need and don’t have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry: Since you won’t have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won’t have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won’t have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.

Signed, The People in Texas

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat.  As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.  He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.  Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”  She turns, smiles and says, “Business.  I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.” He swallows hard.  Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?” “Lecturer”, she says, “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really,” he says, swallowing hard, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the “Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man says, “Tonto Goldstein.  But my friends call me Bubba.”

A visiting professor at Bob Jones University was delivering a lecture on the supernatural.  To get a sense of his audience’s reactions, he asked “How many people here believe in ghosts?”  About 90 students raised their hands.

“Good, good.  Out of those who initially raised their hands, how many of you think you’ve actually seen a ghost?”  Some 40-odd students raised their hands again.

“Excellent.  I’m glad to see so many here taking this seriously.”

“Tell me, now, has anyone ever talked to a ghost?”  15 students raised hands. “What a wonderful response.  Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”  Up go 3 hands.

“Excellent.  But let me ask another question, an unusual one, perhaps.  Did any of those who touched ever make love to a ghost?

Way in the back of the audience, one student raises his hand.  More than surprised, the professor removes his glasses, takes a step backwards and says, “In all my years of lecturing on this subject, no one has ever claimed to have had sexual relations with a ghost.  Please, you must come up here and tell us all about your experience.”

The student nods, breaks into smirk and starts ambling towards the podium.

“Tell us, what was it like to have sex with a ghost?”

The student stops dead in his tracks.  “Ghost?  Sorry.  From way back there I thought you said goat.”