14 Commandments of the Left

  1. Thou shalt have no other God except thyself; after all, it’s thy self-esteem that counts. If thou doth not love thyself, who will?

  2. Thou shalt not make any graven image out of any substances which cannot be recycled.

  3. Thou shalt not take the name of liberals in criticism, including feminists, racial minorities, or any person who thinks he is a victim of America.

  4. Remember the anniversaries of Roe vs Wade and Anita Hill’s testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and keep them holy.

  5. Honor thy mother. If she is dysfunctional, it is thy father’s fault.

  6. Thou shalt not kill. With these exceptions: life forms under the second trimester, and those opting for medically assisted suicides.

  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Unless thou aspires to high political office, use a condom, or cannot help it.

  8. Thou shalt not steal. Unless thou art disadvantaged or upset with a jury verdict.

  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness. Unless thou art discussing the history of the 1980’s, art campaigning, or can afford good legal counsel in the event that thou art discovered.

  10. Thou shalt not covet. Unless thou art the victim of gender-related oppression or institutional racism, or art still angry with Reagan’s tax cuts.

  11. Always hide the real truth about thyself.

  12. Never admit who or what thou really art when campaigning for office.

  13. Always blame someone else for what thou dost – even so far as to blame the entire society.

  14. Thou shalt oppose all punishment – except when conservative Republicans or religious right people criticize thee.