“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline……”
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, cleaning the phone off thoroughly each time.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call, come to your home and finally capture you.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer, because no one wants to talk to you. Then go out and buy this institution an entire new phone system and be sure to spend your credit card completely to the limit.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy talking to more important callers to talk to you right now.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down &cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
If you are hopelessly addicted to the Internet, hang up the phone, get on your computer immediately and forward this email to everyone in your address book