Hillary & Chelsea

A couple of months ago Hillary asked Chelsea if she’d had sex with Marc yet.

She answered:

“Not According to Dad!”

#1 Hit In Iran

Great Card Trick

Best Beer Commercial Ever

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”

“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

“Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.

“No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

More Lawyer Jokes at: http://www.oldhippie.com/forums/ice-house/11563-lawyer-jokes.html

Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
10. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
11. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
12. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

THE LAWNMOWER & THE SECURITY FENCE

We have the standard 6 foot fence in our backyard, and after hearing about numerous, recent, burglaries in our neighborhood, I decided to try & prevent my wife & I, from becoming just "another statistic",……..So,…….I had the following brainwave………
 
I purchased an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of our fence. In fact,…I actually got the biggest cattle charger, our local Tractor Supply Store had in stock. It was designed for 26 miles of fencing. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod, I was told, is apparently *the key*, as the more you have in the ground, the better the fence is supposed to work.
 
So,….last week, I was mowing the grass in our back yard, with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower, when I noticed the darn hot wire was broken and laying out in the yard. As I was SURE, I had unplugged the charger, before I went outside, I just pushed the mower around the wire, then reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. Turns out, however,…..that I apparently had NOT, remembered to unplug the charger, after all !!!!!!…….
 
So,…..there I stood,….the lawnmower running in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. (now keep in mind, the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover).
 
Well,……..time stood still………. The first thing I noticed was my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body….. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain……… Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally "at one", with the dang lawnmower engine !!!
 
It seems as though the fence charger and that piece of crap lawnmower, were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
 
Now,….although science says,…………you cannot crap, pee, and vomit, all at the same time, I beg to differ………….Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied three different times, in less than half of a second !!!……. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants three times. It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality, it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand !!!
 
At this point, I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire,…. palm side down, so I couldn't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences…..but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled……
 
This one I could not let go of !! The 8 foot long ground rod, was now accepting signals from me, through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point, I am thinking I am going to have to just man-up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas……… "Oh, Damn!!",…… I thought,……..as I remembered I just filled the dang tank !!……..
 
Now,.. the lawnmower was starting to run rough. It had settled into a loping run pattern, as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and vomit on my chest, I am thinking: "Oh God,… please just let it die… pleeeease…." But oh nooooo,……….it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle very nicely and remained there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot……..
 
So there I stood, in the middle of June, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to just kill me…..
 
Well,…….God did not take me that day…..he left me there, covered in my own fluids, to writhe in the misery, my own stupidity had created !!!
 
I honestly don't know *how*, I got loose from the wire……I woke up, laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
 
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume, I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
 
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep, I realized a few things:
1. Three of my teeth seemed to have kinda melted.
2. I had cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek,…(not the left one, just the right)
3. Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not actually smell as bad as one might think….
4. My left eye would not open…..
5. My right eye would not close…….
6. The lawnmower is now running perfectly…..seriously !!…I think our little session, must have cleared out some carbon or something, because it ran better than when it was new after that !!
7. My testicles are still smaller than average, but are now almost a foot long…….
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room, by farting while thinking of the number 4 …( I still don't understand this???)
 
Yes,…….that day changed my life forever….I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always *triple-check* to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow the grass.
 
The good news is,.. that if a burglar *does* try to come over the fence, I can clearly truly visualize, what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me, to triple check before I mow the grass !!!!..