40 Valuable Things I Learned in 1996

I originally posted this on my web site after William the Impeached won re-election in 1996

I have learned during the campaign that I am viewed by the media as a “Bad American”.  Therefore I confess my new status:

1.    I don’t care about appearing compassionate.

2.    I don’t think playing with toy guns makes you become a killer.

3.    I own hand guns, rifles, and shotguns and it’s not any of your business.

4.    I believe liberal “Democrat” politicians are liars.

5.    I think I am better than homeless bums.

6.    I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

7.    I’ve never owned or been a slave; I didn’t wander 40 years in the desert after getting kicked out of Egypt; I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you so, stop trying to pass out undeserved guilt trips.

8.    I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English. America’s language is English.  Learn it or leave.

9.    I don’t like MTV nor do I want comedians of little note telling me about football.

10.  I know what the definition of lying is. So does Bill Clinton.

11.  I know that newspaper reporting is inaccurate, biased, and often times, fiction.

12.  I define television news as “bizarre events” presented to mindless viewers by unprepared clowns.

13.  I think “hate crime” legislation is drivel.  No minority, homosexual, disabled, foreign, or any other differentiated group has any more social value than I do.  If anyone kills anyone, that’s a hate crime and our legal system will deal with it.

14.  I believe that turkey bacon will kill you too.

15.  I don’t think it takes a village to raise a child.  It takes parents who will tell that child, “NO !” and mean it.

16.  I paid for it and I don’t care to recycle it.  You may do so if you please.

17.  I didn’t realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had kids.

18.  I think the Taco Bell dog was funny — the name of the product is Mexican food.

19.  I like fireworks.  Some explosions are cool.

20.  I accept that you may listen to stupid and loud music if you want to; but, that doesn’t mean I have to listen to your crap when I’m stopped at a red light.

21.  I don’t think being a student provides you with any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or McDonalds.

22.  I won’t eat or drink anything with “light” or “lite” or “fat-free” on the package.

23.  I believe every student has a right to pray in school.

24.  I don’t hate the rich.

25.  I don’t pity the poor.

26.  I know TV wrestling is faked.

27.  I think global warming is bullshit.

28.  I still think Barney Fife is funny.

29.  I think you can admire and respect women while thinking about having sex with them.

30.  I believe that a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell’s Angel with an attitude.

31.  I think our cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running away from a burglary at 2:30 in the morning.

32.  I think Archie was right; Rob Reiner is a meat-head.

33.  I assure you of this.  I WILL get even before I let God finish up with you. 

34.  I like big cars, and big houses, and golf at my private club.

35.  I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family; not some mid-level clerk with a bad education who wants to give it away to some welfare dependent crack addict.

36.  I do not evade taxes but I seriously endeavor to keep the government at their lowest legal level of confiscation.

37.  I assure you that Rush is right about most things and the rest is not all that important.

38.  I want you to keep honking while I’m re-loading.

39.  I believe that Hillary is a bitch and her husband deserves her.

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